What We Can't Have
by JustAmazing
Summary: Caroline is reminiscing in all the things she would have loved to have. Stefan is blaming himself for her sorrow. It's a good thing they're there for one another.  I really suck at summaries.


**A/N: Okay I was going to put this on tumblr but I figured I'd just put it on fanfic instead. The first half of this before the tildas (~~~) was written by the greatest girl ever Holly: .com/**

"If I had a daughter, I think I would name her Allison."

His nose nudges her ear, and she tries to smile, just weakly, because she knows that he can see the corners of her lips from where he lays behind her, her back to his chest. She doesn't want to make him feel bad, because she feels bad enough for the both of them, and God damn it, he's been so understanding about it all. It's been twenty years, and he's been right there by her side through every minute of it.

When she gets in moods like this, where she can't stop thinking about things that she can't have and all the cons her condition brings her, he knows that it's best to just listen. He has learned the hard way that she doesn't want to be reassured, or for him to try and make her feel better. She just wants to cry, to let it out and know that he understands why she's so upset. And he does. Because he wants those things for her, too. Stefan wants to have children with Caroline, he wants to marry her and give her everything that she used to dream about when she was still 17, still human.

"I like Allison… it's classic." His heart picks up at the ring of Allison Salvatore. For a moment, Stefan closes his eyes and allows himself to picture a little girl with a mop of curly blonde hair and brown eyes. He sees Caroline pick her up, spin her around, and it's like he can almost hear their duet of melodious laughter…

And then he's pulled away from the laughter by the soft cries that he knows all too well. He wraps his arms tighter around her and let's her sob. ~~~~~~ It was times like this, when Caroline was trapped in thoughts of what could have been and completely miserable, that Stefan finds himself responsible.

It was probably foolish and he knew Caroline would absolutely detest the idea of him hating himself anymore than he already did. The two of them had talked about that when they'd finally realized that they couldn't deny their feelings for each other any longer. But the feeling was there and it always tore at him, especially when Caroline was upset like she was now. Caroline told him hundreds of times. It was like he could hear her words ringing in his head now rather than her cries.

"_Stefan Salvatore, I swear to god if you even think about blaming yourself for anything that has happened to me I will…" She was seeming to have trouble thinking of a threat, and it was the most adorable thing in the world to him. "Well I'll kiss Damon."_

"_You would never do that to Elena though," He said with a soft smirk, his arms crossing over his chest. No matter what his ex and his current girlfriend had gone through in the past, Stefan knew that they'd always be close. Maybe not quite as close as Bonnie and Elena were, but he also knew that was one of Caroline's insecurities. One among many which never failed to get to him. How could someone so perfect have so many self esteem problems?_

"_Well…Tyler's still single," She said firmly, planting her hands on her his. Her eyes were almost daring him to question the new threat she'd thrown his way and he couldn't stop from rolling his eyes. Honestly, Caroline could be such a drama queen. But it was a nice difference from Elena. Caroline offered a break when things got to be too much while Elena and him together was mostly serious all the time. He knew he probably shouldn't compare Elena to Caroline but it always showed him why him and Caroline were meant to be and not him and Elena. Or him and Katherine for that matter._

_He took a step forward to snake his arms around her waist, and slowly shake his head as he leaned down to press his lips to hers. "Except I don't think you'd do that to me," He said softly, his mouth incredibly close to her neck. He could feel the shiver that ran through her body and felt accomplished._

"_Then I-I'll-I'll cry," She mumbled, stumbling over her words slightly. _

_Crying. That was a good one. He hated to see Caroline cry. "I'll make you eat a bunny," He challenged and the blond gave him a terrified look. It'd been a year and a half now and no matter how many times Stefan tried to get Caroline to feed on furry little forest creatures, she refused to eat bunnies or anything "small, furry, and cute." _

"_I'm serious," Her voice had gotten harder, and he knew she really did. "I don't want you to think any of this is your fault and I don't want you to hate yourself because guess what. I love you. And you should really learn to love yourself."_

_At the time he'd just nodded and agreed with her. He didn't want to get into it and he didn't want to upset her. It wasn't that easy though. It was no secret that he had problems with himself since Katherine had turned him all those years ago. But since he gained feelings for Caroline, he seemed to feel worse. If he'd never insisted on having Elena or returning to Mystic Falls for that matter, Katherine wouldn't have known anything about her. And if Katherine didn't know anything about Elena then Katherine wouldn't know anything about Caroline and she would still be living her bubbly life as the head cheerleader and probably be dating some guy on the football team. So yes, at the time nodding was his best option._

"Stefan," She said softly and when she ran her hand over his cheek he seemed to snap out of his daze. Thinking of the past got him no where. It just got him a lot of guilt and he didn't need more on his conscience. So instead he looked back at the beautiful blond in his arms. Even if she looked like a mess with tears in her eyes and her hair up in a messy bun. Not that he thought she was any less beautiful now than she was on any other given day.

Caroline was always beautiful to him. All day. Everyday. Whether she was all done up, makeup and hair- everything or if she was just waking up with a sleepy smile on her face. It was funny. He never thought he'd ever love someone the way he'd loved Katherine. And then Elena came along and that love, it was better than what he felt for Katherine. And once he met Elena he was sure that no one could ever be better. But then Caroline was turned into a vampire and he became a guardian of sorts and more importantly a friend. She could joke around with him and the two of them didn't have to be all serious all the time.

And then he'd gone through the phase. It was the second time in his life he'd been through it. Or maybe third if he counted that brief time when all it took was Elena to get him back to normal. It had taken a lot more than Elena to help this time around, and he'd done a lot more damage. He became a ripper again, as Lexi would call him. And as much as he tried to channel her words, and get back to who he was supposed to be he just couldn't. Klaus had him in too far and he wasn't Stefan anymore. He did a lot of things he regret but with the help of everyone, most importantly Caroline. After that was when he realized he loved her. There was no questioning it.

"You're thinking about it, aren't you," She sighed and sat up straight. "Stefan Salvatore how many times do I have to tell you not to blame yourself for anything that happened to me."

He ran a hand over his hair and sighed "I can't help it Care."

"You can help it," She argued, setting herself on his lap. She grabbed his face in her hands and turned it to look towards her "Katherine would have been here anyway because Damon would have came back to find her. Damon probably would have been the one to get Elena and then somehow it would have led back to me. It was fate, Stefan. My fate was to become a vampire and even though fate sucks ass, I've accepted it. There's ups and there's downs. I shouldn't have...I shouldn't get so upset over kids. Because I know you'll go and do something stupid-" She gave his hair a tiny tug and he couldn't help but smile slightly. "Like blame yourself for all of it."

"I'm sorry," He said softly, not looking away from her. He always found that he could never look away from her. Whether she was angry at him, disappointed in him or the other way around. She was hypnotizing to him.

A small shake of the head from her and he knew he was off the hook. "Don't be. Just...stop being so hard on yourself. Because that's something I really can't handle." She set her forehead against his and he leaned in the rest of the way to press his lips against hers. "I just love you, okay," She whispered against his lips and he couldn't help but grin just like any other time those words passed from her mouth.

"I know, Caroline," He said simply, waiting for her reaction. She pouted and moved to get up, but he grabbed her hips and pulled her in for another kiss. "I love you too."

She made a small, satisfied noise before leaning in to kiss him again. Yep. She was definitely hypnotizing. "I think we should get a dog," She mumbled between kisses. "And name it Allison."

He pulled away from her and laughed loudly. "Caroline you would eat it," He laughed more. She gave him that horrified look again, saying she would never do such a thing. "Don't look at me like that. If you don't eat it, I probably would get hungry and do it myself." Her jaw dropped even wider and he rolled his eyes before kissing her again.

His lips traveled down to her neck, teasingly biting into the skin there. He heard her gasp and again couldn't stop the grin that appeared on his face. He thought he was finally getting her to stop thinking about everything but him when he heard her speak up again.

"Maybe a bunny then."

"Whatever you say babe."


End file.
